Okay, you ready for this?
As ever. I select B. Let's do it.
Let's play "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
Who wrote the phrase "No man is an island"?
John Donne? John Milton?
John F. Kennedy?
Jon Bon Jovi?
Jon Bon Jovi. Too easy.
And, if I may say so, a complete load of bollocks.
In my opinion, all men are islands.
And what's more, now's the time to be one.
This is an island age.
A hundred years ago, you had to depend on other people.
No one had TV or CDs or DVDs or videos...
... or home espresso makers.
Actually, they didn't have anything cool.
Whereas now, you see...
... you can make yourself a little island paradise.
With the right supplies and the right attitude...
... you can be sun-drenched, tropical, a magnet...
... for young Swedish tourists.
Hi, it's Kristina. I haven't heard from you.
I had a great time last weekend. So give me a call, okay? 'Bye.
And I like to think that perhaps I am that kind of island.
I like to think I'm pretty cool.
I like to think I'm Ibiza.
There were people who had a good time in life.
I was beginning to realize I wasn't one of them.
I just didn't fit.
I didn't fit at my old school.
I definitely didn't fit at my new one.
I heard that some kids got taught by their parents at home.
Mum couldn't do that, unless I paid her to teach me.
Because it was just her and me. And she went to work.
She made ?00 a week.
Where was I gonna get that kind of money from?
Maybe if I was like that movie kid, Haley Joel Osment...
... I could pay her that much.
But if that meant being good at drama, forget it.
I was crap at drama.
'Cause I hated standing up in front of people.
So, basically, I had to go to school.
The sad fact is that, like any island dweller...
... from time to time I had to visit the mainland.
This is Imogene. You can hold her if you like.
That's... Well, okay.
Yeah. Got her. Lovely.
Yeah, she's delightful, isn't she?
I know. Isn't she?
To tell the truth, I'm being crap with her.
You better take her back.
She could've been yours if you got your act together.
Just think of that, yeah.
So, the place is looking really nice.
Barney, Barney, Barney.
Say hello to Will, Barney.
Here we go. It's the Antichrist.
Hello, Barney. How are you?
- He's lovely. - Yeah.
And what about you, Will? Any desire for a family of your own yet?
I'd rather eat Barney's nappies.
Not really. I'm sort of all right as I am.
Please, Will.
What does that mean? "Please" what?
Look at yourself.
You're 38 and you've never had a job...
...or a relationship that lasted longer than two months.
I wouldn't exactly say you were okay.
I mean, I would say you were a disaster.
I mean, what is the point of your life?
Bloody hell.
You're right. There's probably no point to my life...
...but thank you for bringing it up.
The reason we wanted you to come here today was we wanted to ask you...
...how would you like to be lmogene's godfather?
Seriously? Seriously.
Listen, I'm really, really touched.
But you must be joking.
I couldn't possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogene.
You know me. I'll drop her at her christening.
I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk...
...and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her.
I mean, seriously, it's a very, very bad choice.
We know, I just thought you had hidden depths.
No. No. You've always had that wrong.
I really am this shallow.
Here we are.
You know you don't have to walk me to school anymore now, Mum.
I know the way now.
But what if I like walking you to school?
Right.
Who are you?
I'm me.
And what are you not?
A sheep.
Right. And what does a sheep go?
Marcus?
I love you.
Look.
I love you, too.
I love you, Marcus!
Love you!
Look at him!
While I couldn't accept the offer...
... to become their child's godfather...
... I did allow them to set me up with Angie, a rather beautiful coworker of Christine's.
They had, however, being them, neglected to tell me one thing.
There's something you don't know about me.
Yeah?
Something exciting?
I think so, yes.
I have a 3-year-old boy.
I wanted to throw the napkin on the floor, push over the table and run.
Brilliant. I love kids.
Yeah. I like messing about with them.
Doing kid things.
I'd have been disappointed if you didn't have a child.
Why do you say that?
God knows.
Mainly because it sounded smooth and winning.
Because I love kids so much. They're so lovely.
What in God's name are you saying, you idiot?
She can't be buying this rubbish.
But she did buy my rubbish.
And for the next few weeks I was suddenly Will the Good Guy.
Her kid took to me, mainly because on our first meeting...
... I took him to the zoo and held him upside down by his ankles.
I wish relationships with proper humans were that easy.
You know, you are brilliant.
I came to realize that with single mums...
... particularly ones who'd been badly treated...
... and eventually abandoned by the father of their children, you became by comparison...
You are a wonderful person.
No, I'm not.
But it was hard to be wonderful all the time.
Eventually I began to wonder whether Angie was exactly what I was looking for.
For instance, she was late for the new IMAX movie because the babysitter hadn't turned up.
I'm so sorry. It's all right.
That pissed me off.
- You okay? - Yes.
And there were deeper problems.
She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite or cable.
So we were always stuck watching some crap made-for-TV movie about a kid with leukemia.
I'm afraid there's nothing we can do.
God! No! Please, please, no!
I was going to have to end it.
But having been Will the Good Guy...
... I didn't relish going back to my role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally-stunted Asshole.
I'm sorry?
You're breaking up with me? You...
...self-centered bastard.
I can't believe I've wasted all this time with you!
You useless, superficial loser.
Will...
Then something magical happened.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure this is working out. It's not you.
You've been great. It's me.
Well, my situation with Louie and his dad.
I'm not ready to launch into a relationship with anybody new.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
I think I understand.
You're a wonderful man, Will.
I'd never watched a woman cry without feeling responsible before.
She even wanted me to forgive her. It felt amazing.
Listen, you don't have anything to feel sorry about. Really.
So that was the end of Angie, but the beginning of a whole new thing.
Single mums.
Why hadn't anyone told me about them before?
Passionate sex, a lot of ego massage and a guilt-free parting.
There must be thousands, just waiting for a nice guy to sleep with and break up with.
Fabulous, sexy, gorgeous single mums.
Can I have Cocoa Puffs?
No, it's not Sunday.
The crying had started again. And it scared me...
... 'cause now it was in the mornings.
She'd never done that before.
I couldn't figure it out. Nobody was dead.
She had a job as a music therapist, which is kind of a teacher for sick kids.
So there was enough money for food and everything.
Should I get my own breakfast?
No, I'm doing it.
So, you looking forward to school today?
Today, you'll need to effect...
... the decimal point when you multiply it by 10...
... 100 and 1000.
## Nothing to do but frown #
# Rainy days and Mondays always get me down ##
Thank you very much, Marcus.
Hi, Nicky. Hi, Mark.
- Are you going to Computer Club later? - I don't know. Marcus...
Madonna! Go on, give us a song!
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Spice Girls or something. Three of them.
Yeah. Hey, Spice Girls.
You made me lose my football.
Marcus, we don't really want you hanging around with us anymore.
- Why not? - Well, it's because of them.
- They've got nothing to do with me. - Yes, they do.
We never had trouble with them before we started hanging out with you.
Now we get it every single day.
Besides, everyone thinks you're weird.
Only a bit, though.
Okay.
'Bye.
There you have it.
I was having a shit time at home and a shit time at school.
It was fine deciding single mums were the future...
... but the frustrating truth was I didn't have their numbers.
- Hi, Dad. - Hey.
Where did they hang out?
I'm a single father, I have a 2-year-old boy.
SPAT.
This was exciting.
A potential gold mine of single mums.
I could see the beautiful creatures now, getting roaring drunk...
... forgetting their troubles, ready to rock and roll.
That was when I was 7 months pregnant.
By the time I had the baby, he was in Majorca with another woman.
Not even the one he cheated on me with the first time.
Well, with me, it was the week before the birth.
He said I'd got too fat.
Mine was shagging his secretary.
Such a clich?
I'll tell you one thing: Men are bastards.
After about 10 minutes...
... I wanted to cut my own penis off with a kitchen knife.
Me.
Yes.
I have a 2-year-old. Ned.
He's got blue eyes and sort of sandy-colored hair...
...and he's about 2'3".
And his mum left.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, obviously it was a very big shock...
...because we were so happy, you know?
Sandra's neurology practice was just up and running...
...and then one day her bags were packed, and my best friend was waiting outside...
...in his Ferrari.
Yeah. You know, the Modena?
The one with the supercharged engine, where you can see it through the back window?
- You got dumped then? - Yeah.
May I ask, does your ex see Ned at all?
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
Suzie.
She doesn't see much of him, no.
How does he cope with that?
He's a very good little boy.
Very, very brave.
They've got amazing resources, don't they?
Just the other day I was thinking about my ex.
He came crawling up, put his little pudgy arms around my neck, and he said:
"You hang in there, Dad."
God, that's amazing for a 2-year-old!
Is it?
Yeah, he's very special. Very, very special.
Sometimes I think, you know, he's the one taking care of me.
Teaching me the ways of the world.
Sorry.
Thank you.
My God, what a performance! I was even fooling myself.
There you go. You okay?
Yeah. Perfect, thanks.
- Trust me? - Of course.
By the end of the evening, I had a date lined up.
Single parents alone together!
All for one and one for all!
The problem was I also had an imaginary 2-year-old son.
The date was a SPAT picnic in Regent's Park, with everyone bringing their kids.
Sadly, Ned couldn't be there.
His mum had come and picked him up at the last second.
- What a shame. - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
- Got it. - This is Megan, by the way.
Hello, Megan.
Yeah.
A friend of mine from SPAT isn't feeling so great...
...so I said that we'd take her kid to the picnic, too.
- Is that all right? - Yeah.
The more the merrier. Right.
Come on, slowcoach!
I hated that SPAT lot.
Mum's friend Suzie was fine, but now there was that wally who wanted to get off with her.
Marcus, Will. Will, Marcus.
Hi there.
Right.
Pile in, everyone. Look what a mess Ned made of the car seat.
What a shame he can't come.
So, what do you do?
Me?
There were too many lies to keep track of so I told the truth.
- Nothing. - Well, before then.
- What do you mean, before I did nothing? - Yeah.
I did nothing.
You've never worked?
I've done the odd day here and there, but, no.
Crazy, isn't it?
It's...
Brilliant.
My God, I was going to have to tell her.
What happened, in fact, was that my dad wrote a song...
...in 1958, and it's quite a famous song...
...and I basically live off the royalties of that.
You know Michael Jackson?
He makes a ?,000,000 a minute.
That's ?0,000,000 an hour.
I don't make a ?,000,000 a minute.
- Nothing like, sadly. - How much then?
Marcus!
I was beginning to wonder if we'd be stuck with this weird kid all day.
So, what's this song then?
If you can live off it, we must've heard of it.
It's "Santa's Super Sleigh".
God, please don't sing it.
## Look who's coming round the bend # # It's Santa and his reindeer friends #
# With a ho, ho, ho and a hey, hey, hey, # # It's Santa's super sleigh ##
I expect people do that all the time.
No, I think you two are the first.
Sorry. I don't understand. How does that make you money?
Do carol singers have to pay you 10 percent?
They should, but you can't always catch the little bastards.
So, how often do you look after him? Marcus.
Every once in a while.
His mum's a little off-color sometimes.
You call it off-color, I call it nuts.
She's not nuts, Marcus. She just needs a weekend taking it easy.
We'll have a nice picnic, and when you get home, she'll be all rested up.
My God! What the hell is that?
My mum's homemade bread.
It looks pretty good.
No, it isn't. It's healthy.
You miss him, don't you?
Who?
Ned!
Yeah.
Yeah, very much.
He'd have loved this.
I think I killed a duck.
I was only trying to feed it.
What's that floating in the water next to it?
Is that your mum's bread?
You didn't have to throw the whole loaf. That would've killed me.
You the one who was throwing bloody great loaves at the ducks?
Yeah, he was, but I've stopped him now.
You know, boys will be boys, and all that.
So he killed it.
No. Sorry, I misunderstood you. The duck was dead already.
He was throwing bread to try and sink the body...
...because Megan here was getting upset.
Marcus wouldn't kill a duck. Would you, Marcus?
No. I love ducks. They're my second favorite animal after dolphins.
They can kill sharks with their noses.
I'll have to wade in and get it.
Listen, I hope it's not some sort of epidemic.
I think we beat the rap there, mate.
Yeah. Well.
Marcus?
Mum.
That day, the Dead Duck Day, was when it all began.
That bloke Will just followed us in and I didn't tell him not to.
Afterwards, I realized that there was no way I could have been nervous just then...
... because just then I didn't know there was anything to be nervous about.
But then I put the key in the lock, opened the door...
Are you decent?
And a new part of my life started.
Bang!
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
- Will, call an ambulance. - Marcus, where's the phone?
Where's the phone, mate?
It was horrible. Horrible.
But driving fast behind the ambulance was fantastic.
She's conscious.
She was okay in the ambulance.
She was asking after you, Marcus.
That's nice of her.
Listen, you know this has nothing to do with you, don't you?
I mean, you're not the reason that she...
You're not the reason that she's here. Isn't that right, Will?
Yeah, that's right.
I'll go get you some water.
- I can get that. - No, you're okay.
Your mum's going to be okay.
Yeah, I suppose.
That's not the point, though, is it?
Right, you mean you're afraid she might try again?
Just shut up, all right?
There you go, warm and flat.
Are you with Fiona Brewer?
Yes, I'm her friend Suzie.
This is Marcus and Will.
She's recovering well, but we'll keep her overnight.
I'm going to get a consent form for Ms. Brewer so the boy can stay with you two tonight.
Right.
So, my place or yours?
Sorry.
Okay.
- I should get back to Ned, I think. - I'll take that.
All right.
All in all, this was very interesting.
So I'll call.
But I wouldn't want to do it every night.
See you soon.
The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show.
I was the star of "The Will Show".
And "The Will Show" wasn't an ensemble drama.
Guests came and went, but I was the regular.
It came down to me, and me alone.
If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show...
... if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem.
Ultimately, the whole single-mum plot line was a bit complicated for me.
I got the letter. Thanks.
Oh, my God. I'd forgotten.
You forgot?
You forgot a suicide letter?
I didn't think I'd have to remember it, did I?
Did you read the part where I said I'd always love you?
It's a bit hard for you to love me when you're dead, isn't it?
I'm sorry.
I can understand why you're angry, Marcus.
I don't feel the same as I did yesterday, if that's any help.
What?
It's all just gone away? All that?
No, but...
...at the moment, I feel better.
"At the moment" is no good to me.
I can see you feel better at the moment. You just put the kettle on.
But what happens when you finish your tea? What happens when I go back to school?
- I can't be here to watch you all the time. - I know.
We have to look after each other. The two of us.
Suddenly I realized two people isn't enough.
You need a backup.
If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge...
... then you're on your own.
Two isn't a large enough number.
You need three, at least.
- Three what? - Nothing.
But I'd had a great idea.
The important thing in island living is to be your own activities director.
I find the key is to think of a day as units of time...
... each unit consisting of no more than 30 minutes.
Full hours can be a little bit intimidating...
... and most activities take about half an hour.
Taking a bath: One unit.
Watching "Countdown":
Okay...
One unit.
Web-based research:
Two units.
Exercising: Three units.
Having my hair carefully disheveled: Four units.
It's amazing how the day fills up.
I often wonder, to be absolutely honest...
... if I'd ever really have time for a job.
How do people cram them in?
Yeah, Will here.
It's Marcus. Pardon?
It's Marcus.
Marcus?
Marcus. Hi.
How'd you get my number?
From Suzie.
I thought you'd like to take me out for the day on Saturday.
And why did you think that, Marcus?
Suzie said we hit it off.
Did she? Yeah.
- And you said, "See you soon." - I said what?
See you soon.
The night you dropped us off. Remember? You said, "See you soon."
This is soon, all right, Marcus.
The thing is, mate, my life is kind of hectic at the moment.
Why? I thought you did nothing.
I've got Ned and stuff to look after.
Matter of fact, I should be on the way to preschool right now.
What's that noise?
That's a lawn mower.
So, you know, just time-wise it's not...
Tell you what, just hold the line one sec.
Hold on, one sec. Thanks.
But then I thought, Why not?
Why shouldn't I take the poor little sod out for a meal?
I could be Uncle Will. Cool Uncle Will, King of the Kids.
Okay, Marcus. You're on.
I'll come if you take my mum, too.
She has no money, so we'll have to go somewhere cheap or you'll have to treat us.
Listen, don't beat about the bush, Marcus.
Why should I? We're poor. You're rich. You pay.
Bring your little boy, I don't mind.
That's really big of you.
Fine. Come round at 12:30 or something.
Remember where we live?
Flat 2, 31 Craysfield Road, Islington, London, N12SF.
England, the world, the universe.
Yeah. Marcus?
So, Fiona, how are you?
- I mean, how are you feeling? - My stomach's fine.
Great.
I must still be a bit barmy, though.
This kind of thing doesn't go away overnight, does it?
No.
If Mum was going to get Will to marry her, she'd have to quit making jokes.
At least she looked good.
I had her put on that nice hairy jumper...
... and the earrings she got from her friend that went to Zimbabwe.
The kid seemed to think this was a date.
As for his mum, she was clearly insane...
... and appeared to be wearing some kind of Yeti costume.
This had better be quick. We were definitely not ordering starters.
I'll start with the artichoke, please.
Then I'll have a mushroom omelet with fries and a Coke.
- I'll have the vegetable platter. - We're vegetarians.
I'd never have guessed.
Steak sandwich, please, mate. Thanks.
This was going really well.
I wondered if we were going to move into Will's place or move into someplace new.
## I heard he sang a good song #
# I heard he had a style #
I knew, of course, the song couldn't last forever...
... that I'd soon be at home, tucked up in bed.
I knew it, but I couldn't feel it.
# And there he was, this young boy #
I must've been insane. All I'd wanted was a date with Suzie.
This was my punishment.
# Strumming my pain with his fingers #
The worst part was when they closed their eyes.
# Killing me softly with his song #
# Killing me softly ##
Come sing with us, Will.
I should really get going. Thanks.
That's the problem with charity. You must mean it.
You have to mean things to help people.
Like the time I volunteered to help out at a soup kitchen...
... and very nearly made it.
Or the time at Amnesty International.
Did you know in Burma you get seven years in prison for telling jokes?
Next time you laugh, think of Pa Pa Lay, the Burmese standup comedian.
We're at a crucial stage in our struggle for human rights...
...which have been grossly abused by the ruling junta.
We need your support more than ever.
Together we can make a difference...
You're kidding. And what's your boyfriend say about that?
Wait a minute. You say you haven't got a boyfriend?
Talk about human rights violations.
Is that right? You're in the bath now?
You have to mean things to help people.
Fiona meant "Killing Me Softly".
"Killing Me Softly" meant something to her and look where she ended up.
Me, I didn't mean anything, about anything, to anyone.
I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.
Yet over the next few days, I did have a strange feeling.
Like a presence lurking at the back of my mind.
And I didn't like it.
You don't have a kid, do you?
What?
You don't have a kid, do you?
Of course I do! What are you on about?
No, you don't.
I've been watching you, and you don't have a kid.
What is it to you, anyway? Nothing.
Except you've been lying to me, my mum and my mum's friend.
- Can I come in? - No.
Why?
'Cause I'm busy.
- What are you doing? - I'm watching TV.
I could watch it with you, if you like.
That's very nice of you...
...but I usually manage on my own, thanks.
Don't you have homework to do, or something?
- Want to help? - No, that's not what I meant.
I meant, why don't you go home and do your homework?
I'll do you a deal.
I won't tell anyone you don't have a kid if you go out with my mum.
You'd want your mum to go out with someone like me?
You're not too bad.
I mean, you told lies, but apart from that you seem okay.
And she's sad. I think she'd like a boyfriend.
I can't just go out with someone...
...because you want me to. I'd have to like the person, as well.
- What's wrong with her? - Nothing's wrong with her, it's just the system.
That's how it... I'm not talking about this with you.
Just go.
Okay. But I'll be back.
I'm really scared!
That's the best I could come up with, "I'm scared."
But as a matter of fact, I was.
Okay, that's it. Tim, goodbye.
- Jill, goodbye. Carol, goodbye. - Goodbye.
And from me, arrivederci. Bye-bye.
Thanks. See you.
Hello, everybody. Welcome to the game of "Countdown".
You remember yesterday, Carol, I revealed to a grateful nation...
... that our guest, Tom O'Connell...
Yes. He, like all of us, changes for each show.
But he is such a...
Is that right? Yeah.
Another term for "Hosta", I think.
Yes, well.
Named after Heinrich Christian Funck, who also invented disco dancing.
Yes. I've got all his audios.
Mum, did you always know I was going to be a vegetarian?
Yeah, of course I did.
I didn't decide on the spur of the moment 'cause we ran out of sausages.
Did you ask me if I wanted to be a vegetarian?
What, when you were born?
I do the cooking and I don't want to cook meat.
You have to eat what I eat.
But you don't let me go to McDonald's, either.
Is this premature teenage rebellion?
I can't stop you from going to McDonald's.
I'd just be disappointed if you did.
Don't worry, Mum. I won't go to McDonald's.
After a few visits, Will seemed to think he had to ask me serious questions.
But I knew he really wanted to watch Xena: Warrior Princess.
So, how's it going at home then?
- You mean my mum? - Yeah.
She's all right, thanks.
I mean, you know, she's...
Yeah, I know. No, nothing like that.
Does it still bother you, then?
Does it bother me?
Are you decent?
Every single day.
That's why I come here, instead of going home.
A bit. When I think about it.
Fucking hell.
I don't know why he swore like that, but it made me feel better.
It made me feel like I wasn't being pathetic to get so scared.
I wouldn't make the mistake of asking about Fiona again.
Marcus was clearly screwed up about it...
... and unfortunately I couldn't think of anything to say that'd be of any value.
Next time he could talk to Suzie, or a counselor...
... or anybody capable of something more than an obscenity.
Shit! It can't be.
November-the-sodding-19.
Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing.
Dad?
What was your dad like?
A bit sad, really.
You know, he wrote one crap song that turned out to be a massive hit...
...and then spent the rest of his life trying to write a better one.
Do you ever want to write songs like him?
Is that what the guitar's for?
No.
So, that's just there to look cool.
Yeah.
I like "Santa's Super Sleigh".
Madonna! Come here! We've got something.
He's getting away, look! Hurry up!
On "Pet Rescue" today, the clever stoat keeps everyone...
... on their toes in Somerset.
Hey!
What are you doing? Who are you?
Who am I?
Bugger off, that's who I am! Go on, piss off!
Who were they, then?
Who?
What do you mean, "Who?"
The ones trying to embed sweets into your skull.
Oh, them.
They're just a couple of older kids. They started following me after school.
Does this happen often?
They never chucked sweets before, they just thought of that.
I'm not talking about the sweets. The kids trying to kill you.
Yeah, they give me a hard time.
You know, about my hair, and my clothes and singing and stuff.
And what? And singing?
Sometimes I sing out loud without noticing.
That's not a brilliant idea, is it?
I said I did it without noticing, didn't I? It just happens!
I'm not going to do it on purpose, am I? I'm not stupid, you know.
My advice is to keep out of people's way. Try to make yourself invisible.
How can I be invisible?
One machine in your kitchen is an invisible machine?
I don't think so.
I just try not to think of it, that's all.
It happens, and I wish it didn't, but that's life, isn't it?
There's nothing I can do about it.
No.
There is something we can do about it, Marcus.
You're coming with me.
I was worried he was going to take me to the headmistress' office.
But instead he took me shopping.
I don't get it.
We're starting with your feet.
I can't make you invisible, but I can make you blend in with the crowd.
I don't know how to tie them. They've got these funny strappy things.
It's called Velcro.
It's a revolutionary new technology.
For Christ's sake. It's not hard.
All right, wait a minute, it is a bit hard.
- Everything all right? - Yeah, thanks.
Pretty trendy, your old man, isn't he?
There. You think you look cool, don't you?
Don't know.
- Do you think I look cool? - Yeah, Marcus.
- I think you look cool. - Yeah.
That's it, you got the walk. That's really cool.
Brilliant. High five. Yeah.
I was suddenly hit by an extraordinary rush of well-being.
So this is what people meant by a natural high.
And it only cost ?0.
I had made an unhappy boy temporarily happy.
And there wasn't anything in it for me at all.
I didn't even want to shag his mum.
Marcus! What happened to your shoes?
They stole them.
Why would anyone want to steal your shoes?
I could see I had to tell the truth.
The problem was, the truth would lead to a lot more questions.
They were nice ones.
They were just ordinary brown lace-ups.
No, they weren't. They were cool new trainers.
Where did you get cool new trainers?
She had loads more questions.
Will bought them for me.
Will?
- The guy who took us to lunch? - Yeah.
He's sort of become my friend.
He's sort of become your friend?
She kept repeating the last thing I said.
Except she shouted it.
I go round to his place after school.
You go round to his place after school!
- You see, he doesn't really have a kid. - He doesn't really have a kid?
Can I play computer games now?
Where does he live?
He's not there at the moment. He's out to dinner.
Christine had asked me to dinner for a pep talk.
You will end up childless and alone.
Both fingers crossed, yeah.
You must have a lot of courage.
Why is that, Christine?
Most people need something in their lives to keep them afloat...
...and you have absolutely nothing.
Doesn't that scare you?
Do you know what you want?
Yes, I do. I'll have the steak...
What the hell are these little after-school tea parties about?
Hi. Sorry? What did you say?
I was just wondering why a single, childless man would want to hang out...
...with a 12-year-old boy every day?
You didn't tell your mum that you've been coming round?
- I think I forgot. - Tell me what?
What are you doing with my son?
Wait a minute. What are you suggesting here?
- I'm not suggesting anything. - I think you are.
You were suggesting that I've been interfering with your son.
I'm simply asking you why you entertain 12-year-olds in your flat.
- My God! - Oh, my God!
What do you have to say for yourself?
Well?
Don't "well" me!
Don't "well" me about this!
He comes over uninvited every night! Do you know why?
He's having the shit bullied out of him at school! And you haven't got a clue.
You send him out like a lamb to the slaughter!
He's been taken to pieces every day of the week, you daft, fucking hippie!
I think you're being a bit melodramatic. Marcus is fine.
Strange. Will had it right, Mum didn't. It should be the other way around.
You haven't had much contact with kids.
I used to be a bloody kid! I went to a bloody school.
I know when kids can't settle down and when kids are miserable!
Look at him, for Christ's sake! Don't accuse me of being melodramatic.
- This coming from a woman who tried to... - Cowabunga!